Solitude can be overwhelming. We hear our deeper thoughts. They arise in the silence beckoning us to acknowledge them; wooing us to let the chaos go and settle with the core elements that make us who we are. This road is an uncomfortable one to walk on but when taken, produces great and deep change, awakening the best parts of us.
Over the past few months I have felt challenged to let go, more so than usual. I'm aware of the need to declutter and ensure that life is simplified for the best outcomes but this has been a more internalised letting go.
And that is not an easy letting go, I can tell you.
In fact, when I realised what was going on, I got a bit cross. I couldn't believe I still had so much to let go of despite working (I think, at least) so hard to let go of things in life. Boy was I cocky.
Since then I have experienced deeper and more profound 'awakenings' to my own fragility, to my self-indulgent mindsets and to my deep-seated fears. I now don't feel like I've let go of much at all!
My psychologist and I have been discussing this topic for a while now - letting go - and the concept of attachment; how attaching myself to things that on the surface are great and healthy, need to still be monitored that they stay that way. Attachment can lead to a person diverting their attention away from things that bother them - the things we all need to face and deal with in life - and this can become a way of keeping that personal growth stunted.
Not a good way to live, I think.
In real terms this looks like throwing myself into work. Or into church. Or family life. Doing lots of stuff. Being places. Getting stuff done.
And now I am looking back in shock at the amount of times I have avoided what I really needed to deal with at the time. It's so obvious now that I feel embarrassed that I couldn't see it all before.
We are so conditioned to Get Things Done, Soldier On and have a She'll Be Right attitude in Australia but as well meaning as these concepts are, we are possibly deteriorating on the inside as a culture, and I wonder how much longer we can go on thinking 'she'll be right, mate' and how soon this societal attitude will begin to crumble and affect the generations to come...
I, for one, have decided that as painful as it sometimes is, I want to remove as many obstacles from my personal thinking as I can. I want to be free from the cultural mindsets so I can be present in the present, responsive to the things of life that matter, and (hopefully) a good example to other women.
If I can finish the race with these things I will be content.
Thanks for reading,
I write despite trying not to. I cry and bleed and laugh into the page. What you see is what you get.